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Today’s Satirical Moment.

“ ‘Ello….I wish to register a complaint. ‘Ello…Miss?”

“What do you mean Miss?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been stuck on a train for the last three days. I have a cold, pneumonia, malaria and piles not to mention emotional disorders to numerous to count

. I wish to register a complaint.”

“We’re just closing for lunch…”

“Never mind that my lad. I wish to complain about the transport system what I purchased not four years ago from this very Council.”

“Oh yeah…The er, ‘Auckland Transport Network”? Wot’s wrong wiv it?

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it my lad. It’s Buggered. That’s what’s wrong with it.”

“Nah…It’s not buggered. Someone pressed the emergency button that’s all.”

“Look matey, I know a buggered transport system when I see one and I’ve been stuck on one for the last three days.”

“Nah, nah…It’s not buggered, it’s ‘Undergoing Maintenance’. Lovely system the Auckland Transport Network. Look at Britomart Station! Beautiful décor!”

“The décor don’t enter into it. It’s NOT WORKING!”

“Course it’s working!”

“All right. If it’s working, let’s try going somewhere. ‘Come on train! Let’s go to Eden Park! Eden Park I said! Come on!!!!!’ Now that’s what I call a buggered transport network.”

“There! It moved!”

“No it didn’t. That was you rocking the carriage!”

“I never!”

“Yes you did!”

“No! I never did anything!”

“Ello Transport System! Testing, Testing, Testing. This is meant to be the the 12.15 to Newmarket! Are we actually going anywhere! Now that is what I call a buggered transport system.”

“You broke it just as it was leaving!”

“Now look mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. This transport system is completely and utterly buggered. And when we bought it not four years ago at colossal expense you assured us that it’s complete lack of movement was due to scheduled track maintenance at Panmure and a weta having eaten a junction box at Henderson.”

“Yeah, well, that ‘appens don’t it? Lovely station Britomart. Beautiful décor.”

“Look. I took the liberty of examining that train and I found the main reason it wasn’t moving was it didn’t have an engine at the front of it.”

“Well, we ‘ad to take the engine off didn’t we? I mean, if we’d put an engine on it it would have been getting people to their destinations so fast they’d be there before they left if you follow my meanin’. Close the doors and VOOOOM.”

“Voooooom? Mate, this train system wouldn’t voooom if you put four million volts through it….”

“Funny you should mention that Guv. We were planning on doing exactly that as soon as we can afford it. You ‘aven’t got a spare half billion on you do you? All these bribes….I mean ‘Consultants Fees’ we ‘ave to keep paying don’t half mount up. But you got to admit, as transport systems go it LOOKS beautiful.”

“Yes but it don’t work!!! It’s a wreck, bereft of use it lies there rusting. It has ceased to be. Even the bloody Superflyte doesn’t break down as often as this! It used up all our money and now all it does is get closed for maintenance every five minutes assuming it’s not RAINING in which case it closes down completely. THIS IS A BUGGERED TRANSPORT SYSTEM!”

“Oh….Well we’d better replace it then.”

“Don’t bother. I’ll take my car next time.”

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